Should We or Shouldn’t We? The 2nd Baby Debate

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When you are single, friends and family always want to know, “When are you going to meet a nice man?”

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Then, you find him, that man of your dreams & now you are in a serious relationship.

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Next it is…”When are the two of you going to get married?”                                                   That magical day comes. You marry your best friend & are ready to start your lives together.

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No sooner than you throw the bouquet, someone is at your side saying, “Now it’s time for a baby.”

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When our daughter was born, I thought that was it. We are blissfully married, live in a house with a blue porch & a yard, have a dog & a daughter we adore.

Then it happens…”When are you going to have baby number 2?”

Not that we haven’t thought about it of course. I actually would really love to try for another. It has been an on-going discussion for the past year, but are we ready? There are mixed feelings about this in our house. Here are the reasons against and then for, having a second child as outlined by my husband & I.

The Cons:

 1.Reliving the infant stageOur daughter is a wonderful toddler. She is smart, sweet, affectionate & funny. While she still can be a handful at times, for the most part she is a joy, but as an infant she was a nightmare. I know this sounds harsh to say, but it is the brutal and honest truth. She spent the first six months of her life sleepless and in tears & so did I. What if baby number 2 follows in her footsteps or is even worse?

2. The financial burden. Money is tighter now than it has ever been. While we used to live quite comfortably, we now have to pinch our pennies. I left my career to take a year off from work to stay home with Mai. When I rejoined the work force, we were lucky enough that my fabulous mother-in-law took on our child care. Would we be able to afford me taking off another year to be a stay at home mommy?

3. Sharing our love. Our daughter is the light of our loves. Neither of us could imagine a life without her. How could we possibly love another child as much as we already love her? How would it affect Mai when attention must be given to a new baby?

4. Pregnancy & labor again. I know some women just adore being pregnant. They are beautiful & they glow and are able to run marathons and work while they are going into labor. I am not one of those women. Other than a few moments of enjoyment with feeling the kicks of my little one, I hated being pregnant. The weight gain, the ligament pain & the heartburn were not fun for me.

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The Pros

1. Sibling love. I know that not everyone has the ideal relationship with their siblings & that is unfortunate. My husband & I have both been blessed with brothers & sister that are both siblings & friends. My husband & I have both lost a parent. We turned to our families during those hard times. I am not sure I would have gotten through our mother’s passing without my sister’s love and support. Even with an 11 year age difference, we are as close as two sisters can be. Chris & I know the importance of siblings & wanted this for Mai.

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2. Double the love. As I explained earlier, one reason I am wary of having another child is that I am afraid that I could not possibly love another child as much as my little girl. What if I am wrong? Everyone with multiple children insists that I am. What if having a second bundle of love fills our lives with just that much more joy?

3. Reliving the milestones. I always used to find it funny when parents would say “Enjoy it! It goes by so fast.” I never understood what that meant. Time goes by the same for all of us. Wrong! Our clocks may all tick at the same pace but when you have a child, time truly does seem to move at warp speed. In a blink, you are a new mommy, scared, insecure & in charge of this tiny life. You open your eyes and that tiny life has grown and is walking & talking and kissing you goodnight. If you are at all like me, you reach a point where you wish you could freeze them at the age they are in. As my daughter is quickly evolving before my eyes, I find myself missing certain stages. I even miss the infant stage occasionally.

4. Learning & socialization. Not only would having a new baby bring a playmate to your child in later years, it will teach them a lot of important values, such as sharing, dealing with conflict and basic socialization.

These are our arguments. We both agree that these are the pros & cons but my view is that the pros outweigh the cons, whereas my husband views it the opposite.

What are your thoughts? We would love to hear your input, maybe some of your stories will help sway us into the same direction.

Related topics:

http://belleonboard.wordpress.com/2013/11/04/better-late-than-never/

http://thebusybaby.wordpress.com/

 http://www.bloglovin.com/frame?post=2229652327&group=0&frame_type=b&blog=2358705&link=aHR0cDovL3Rob3VnaHRzZnJvbXBvZWtpdHRlbi5ibG9nc3BvdC5jb20vMjAxNC8wMS90aG91Z2h0cy1vbi1oYXZpbmctYW5vdGhlci1jaGlsZC5odG1s&frame=1&click=0&user=0

http://www.bloglovin.com/frame?post=2246628397&group=0&frame_type=a&blog=3233271&link=aHR0cDovL2pheXNvbmFuZGFzaGxleS5ibG9nc3BvdC5jb20vMjAxNC8wMS90cmFpbnMtYW5kLXRoaW5ncy5odG1s&frame=1&click=0&user=0

About Pin Parent

I am a 39 woman, holding on to her last year in her 30′s with all of her might. I am a loving wife to my best friend, love of my life & sometimes pain in my a$$. I am a mommy to a beautiful & precocious little girl, who loves to learn, craft & play. I am an artist, a crafter & I am Pinterest addict. When I first started my blog it was meant to be an outlet for my addiction. My plan was to recreate my favorite Pinterest pins & share my experiences with all of you. What I have learned along the way is that you can find inspiration everywhere & surprise yourself with new ideas along the way. Please join me as I cook, bake, craft & learn through inspiring ideas from others & through some of my own, while serving up a side order of life.
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52 Responses to Should We or Shouldn’t We? The 2nd Baby Debate

  1. If money is tight, you can consider waiting until the older one is in preschool or kindergarten so you will have one-on-one time with each.

  2. I had my second when my first was only 16 months. As much as that wasn’t are original plans, nowadays I couldn’t imagine it any other way. My point is when it happens, it happens and in the end it will be perfect!! :)

  3. Rosey says:

    I don’t know about all of them, but I know about #3. You’ll love the baby every bit as much as baby #1 (with everything in you for both of them) and little one will love baby just like she should too. :)

    It is funny how people press the questions right off the bat though, isn’t it?

  4. Joy says:

    As your good friend, I agree that the pros TOTALLY outweigh the cons. I also know deep down you really want to have another little Uliana to join the family. As a loving husband, like I know Chris is, I hope he realizes this too…and soon…tick tock.

  5. I’ve been contemplating this for a while now. Our daughter will be 3 in April and I want another little one but I’m starting to think that right now isn’t the right time. I think my daughter would love a younger sibling but I know she would probably be very jealous. You created a great list of pros & cons, Thanks for sharing it!

  6. Katie Clark says:

    This is a decision we really struggled with. Our plan before we had Dawson was to discuss it by his 2nd birthday, but we were both scared. Dawson was also a nightmare baby and he’s still pretty rough as a toddler. Ultimately, we couldn’t live with the idea of “what if”. If baby #2 is as difficult as he was, we will know we are done. Obviously I also struggled with ppd and possible relapse was another thing for us to consider. Financially, you will do what you need to.

    I say go for it if you are even thinking you might want another.. No regrets. You won’t say “gosh why the heck did we have this second baby” 10 years down the road but you might say “gosh, I wish we had had another when we could..” Food for thought :)

    Katie @ Being Dawson’s Mom

    • Thank you for this. I have shown my husband all of your responses. I agree that it will be our decision not to try that will haunt us one day. I am of course perfectly happy with our little girl but it would be nice to extend the love.

  7. What a wonderful story! thanks for sharing.. I have three and that was the perfect number for us! don’t regret a second of it… (knocks on wood) good luck!

  8. Amber says:

    My son will be 3 in June and I am currently pregnant with our 2nd due in July. I agree with it happens when it’s meant to. It took us 4 months to concieve our first and 15 months to concieve this time. All the pros definitely out weigh the cons. I always felt its important for kids to have siblings. I myself have 6 and my husband has 4. Money is tough but it always works out. I am a stay at home mom and we pinch pennies a lot also. I hope your husband gets on board. And if it makes you feel better I have always been told babies are normally completely opposite of their siblings. So you might have a fabulous newborn stage. :)

  9. brett says:

    I will say what I’ve said to so many over the years. I have yet to meet a family who regrets adding another child to their little family- but I have met folks who regret not doing it later when it’s too late to do so.

    We have 3 and while I’d have added more, we haven’t been able to – but we’ve never once regretted adding the 2nd or 3rd

  10. Heather says:

    Everything you say is so right on. There are some amazing things about being a single child, but having a sybling teaches a child things you never thought they’d learn. Sharing, caring compasion, of course there is always sybling rivalry, but syblings actually do bring a ton of social skills to the table and they learn so much from one another. From my experience, there’s never a good time. It will always be a hassle, and if you didn’t get stretch marks with the first, the second will be the one. Taking care of a toddler and a growing belly at the same time is a challenge. It was for me when my toddler went back through a phase of wanting to be carried everywhere when I was six plus months pregnant. There are so many pros and cons and no one can really tell you if its a good or bad decision, you have to know it in your heart. I’m sure you will make the right decision for your family!

    • Thank you, Heather.These are all great points. My husband & I both are so close with our siblings & I really wanted that for our daughter as well. Life is good & we have a happy home. I just always envisioned having more than one. These are are thoughtful & sincere responses & my husband has been taking them all to heart.

  11. Deb says:

    We had one….and for so many of your same reasons we did not have a second…career and money were the biggest cons….now 33 years later that is the only decision of my life that I regret.
    My child has no siblings and her children have no aunts, uncles or cousins because she married another only…..something to think about….

    • This actually just made me tear up a little bit. My daughter love her aunts & uncles. I cannot imagine her children not having this. Also, both my husband & myself have lost a parent. I keep thinking will I be around when she becomes a mommy, without me who would she have to turn to. Yep, tearing up again.

  12. Ashley M says:

    My husband and I have been having the exact same conversation lately. Although our cons list tends to be a little longer – dealing with a small house and smaller budget.

  13. Denise G. says:

    I’m 42. I had my first at 39 and my 2nd at 41. I never thought twice about having a 2nd. My main reason was the sibling issue. I wanted my oldest daughter to have a brother or sister. My little girls love each other and are the lights of my life. Your heart really does fill up with more love than you can imagine. Now, I’m trying to convince my husband to go for a 3rd. Our family doesn’t feel complete. My husband thinks I’m insane given our ages and worries about the finances (I’m a SAHM and we don’t have a huge salary).I think it will be okay in the end. Good luck as you make your decision. Personally, I say go for it. :)

    • It is good to hear from another mother that had their children later in life. It makes me nervous to wait too long because of my age. Thank you for your input. I hope you & your husband have that third. I hope you & your family have a happy holiday.

  14. It’s such an inner battle between reason and emotion, between head and heart. It’s one I’ve been struggling with for the past two years and for now my head wins. I love being a mama and I think a sibling would be good for our daughter. But in our case, it’s a firm no from the husband. If I really want this, I could go ahead and be a mom again, but I know what I would have to sacrifice for that and right now it’s just not worth it. But it doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t ache or long for another baby. Life’s not always what we want from it … Happy Holidays!

  15. Sandra says:

    Take the goalie away from the net and leave it up to fate!

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  17. Kim says:

    Hello, I was 42 when I had my third child he’s 3 now . My older children are 21 and 17 I have never regretted having another child . The only thing I wish is that I could have another baby because my little boy is always asking for a baby brother or sister. I think about my siblings how close we are and know that my baby’s siblings are older . I wish he had someone that he could grow up being close to . I say go for it!
    Kim

  18. What a fun time in your lives! I say go for number two-having a sibling is the best :) Good luck with your decision and looking forward to the potential for your “big news” in the future ;)

  19. Joy ful says:

    I randomly came across this on Pinterest and thought I would read it because we are pregnant with our second daughter. The list you made is pretty much exactly what we also thought about. Our first daughter was also a very, very difficult baby…so much so that my husband decidedly does NOT like babies in general (he loves toddlers though). In the end we realized that there was a chance we could end up regretting not having another baby but I’m pretty sure if we do have another one we will never regret it. Also, my husband is an only child and does wish he had siblings. His father passed away and once his mom is gone he won’t really have anyone. We wanted our daughter to have someone else when we are gone.

    • Thank you for sharing your story. One of my biggest worries is that my daughter will be alone if something were to happen to us. The infant stage was hard but we got through it and have this amazing toddler. He is bending slightly. We have a sort of unorthodox deal. Read my most recent posts.

  20. Michal says:

    Have another baby. Everyone worries if they will love number 2 as much as number 1. That’s a universal fear. And you’ll be fine with money. We raised 2 kids on garage sales, thrift stores and coupons. We’ve done well. No regrets. :) Be blessed.

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  23. April says:

    Hi Kim! I really hope you can convince your husband. As you know I have 3 close in age. While I do agree that the first year is tough and a blur, looking back (mine are 11, 9, and 8) it is all worth it. Even when they argue i am constantly telling them that they are on the same team in life. They are built in best friends. I could not imagine my life being an only child. Although we are different, the bond I had and have now with my brother and sister is amazing. Being a teacher I have encountered many happy, well rounded kids who ask Santa for a brother or sister. My sis and I shared a room the size of a box growing up and now although we have the space, I choose to have my boys share a room. At night I stand at the door just to listen to their conversations. The younger one asking if 4th grade was hard, if he thinks he is good at basketball, etc. it’s those precious moments that make me thankful God allowed us to have more than 1. Although my daughter is forever asking for a sister, lol. She gets sad bc she is the only one who doesn’t have someone to chat with at night. On the other side I know many well rounded happy only children. You are great parents so whatever you decide will be fine. Wow!! Sorry for the book!! Guess you really got me thinking about how things happened for us.

    • HI April, Thank you so much for stopping by & for offering your input. You have a beautiful family & you are lucky to have been blessed with three lovely children. I never envisioned having only one child. I love my daughter so much & if that is how it has to be, than she is more than I ever need to make me happy. I just don’t want her ever to be alone in this world. When we first starting trying to have Mai, we agreed that we would have more than one because we both knew the importance of siblings. Then with the difficulties we had with Mai as an infant, the financial burden & for other various reasons, my husband chickened out. I am hoping that he will change his mind too. While I don’t agree with his idea of letting the Superbowl determine our fate as parents, it is at least a step in the right direction & with it I have found that he is actually excited to see what the fates will choose. This makes me believe a part of him actually does want another baby. I will keep trying though, win or lose, I am not giving up.

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  25. Janely says:

    Also just stumbled across this on Pinterest, and I must say I’ve had those EXACT reasons pass through my mind. I’m currently pregnant with my second and I’m so nervous/worried! My first pregnancy was rough (went into preterm labor @ 24 weeks, was high risk, etc). I didn’t think I would want another baby after my first. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is in the army: it’s been tough. But after seeing how awfully lonely my first is (we live far from any family/friends) we decided a sibling would be best. My son will be almost 3 when this baby comes along. I’m afraid of how hard it might be. But I remind myself every day that it will be worth it. Watching my son play by himself and not have anyone to talk to makes me so sad. A sibling Is a built-in best friend. So even though I know it will be hard, I know it will be worth it. Praying things go well for you and your hubby gives in!! Timing will never be perfect, there will always be some circumstances that will throw things off or make it feel impossible. But once it happens it will feel perfect. (I’m 19 myself extremely youn I know but what better time than the present?) I wish you the best!!! You can do it.

    • Thank you, Janely for your input. I had a rough first pregnancy as well. I was sick for the full nine months. My birth story is traumatizing & my husband was away at the state police academy when my daughter was born. My daughter was a monster as an infant & I cried for 6 months straight but now she is amazing. I hope my hubby & I can get on the same page as well. Good luck to you & your family. Raising a baby on your own is a lot of work. I hope that you have a great support team.

  26. Bridget says:

    I came across this on pinterest and after reading some of your responses I had to write- we’re the same age, my husband is also a police officer who was finishing up his field training when our daughter (now almost 3) was born, and we’re now talking about having a second baby. We’ve come up with the same basic list as you- with a few added variables ( we don’t live close to family so have to pay for daycare) and the sibling bonding is a HUGE factor for me. I’m an only child and while I have many, many cousins who I know will be there when my parents eventually leave us they just aren’t the same. I don’t want our daughter to feel that alone in the world and it is my hope if we have a second they could provide for each other what I have missed in my life. And finally, i just keep feeling like our family isn’t complete yet. I’ll be following along since it seems like we are in very similar places in our lives!

    • It is crazy when you find so many others out there in your shoes. Thank you so much for writing in. I have that same feeling. I love my daughter more than words could ever describe but I also feel as if something is missing. I have these visions in my mind & there is always another child. I also have the same fear about my daughter being alone. When I lost my mother, I would not have been able to get through it without my sister. She was only 20 when it happened & I could not imagine what would have happened to her if I wasn’t here. It makes me sad really to think of my daughter not having a sibling. My husband is terribly stubborn & finds a reason to shoot down every convincing point in having another child. I feel like a part of him really wants one, but he worries too much. If you have been reading you might have stumbled across his unorthodox deal with me. He has now decided that if the Patriots win the Superbowl, then it is a sign that we are supposed to have another one. (rolling eyes) It is nuts obviously, but the closest I have been to getting him to budge, This is his idea of fate. I am hoping win or lose that he will see things differently because of course it will not be the end of me wanting a second. Good luck to you & your family in your decision to grow your family. I am rooting for you.

  27. kjmbailey says:

    In my experience I’ve learnt that you’ll never be completely sure and sometimes have to take a leap of faith. Sometimes its not about being ready but ready enough. I’m pregnant with my second and had a similar argument to yours!

  28. Deciding to expand your family or not is an enormous consideration. My husband and I hope to have another baby, but now that we have our daughter, I’m definitely conflicted because I worry about her having a hard time adjusting. I grew up as one of four, though, so I can’t imagine her being an only child. At any rate, you’ll make the right choice for your family I’m sure!

  29. We weighed and finally decided to have the second one…which is on its way. For now, I’m cursing the decision every day but I know that in a few years I’ll be very glad I did this. I think the pros do outweigh the cons in the long run (hopefully!)

    Thank you for stopping by my blog..following yours!

    • Congratulations to you. That is exciting. I did not like being pregnant either and I imagine it is a million times worse with a child already. Good luck to you. I look forward to reading more about your family.

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