I am having a bad week. I started a cool new job, I no longer have to work evenings, I have more time with my family. It doesn’t sound so bad does it, well it is. The monthly ritual of misery & mood swings has reared it’s ugly head. For the past two days my poor husband can do no right. Last night I was particularly ornery & told him that he needed to pen a book on what not to say when your wife is pre-menstrual. Since it is highly unlikely that he is going to compose this helpful bit of literature, I thought that I would help out instead.
If you are one of the fortunate men out there that is not married to a victim of PMS, read on anyways many of these stages are seen in pregnancy as well.
1. The emotional stage: Guys, we know that we are oversensitive & emotional during this time. It does not need to be pointed out to us. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I broke down in tears last night because my daughter wouldn’t eat her peirogis. Is this a bit of an over-reaction? The answer is no…just go with it.
What you can do: Be ready with a box of Kleenex and avoid Lifetime & the Hallmark channel.
2. Irritability: I am typically a lovely person, but for about 3-4 days out of the month I turn into a miserable flesh eating monster. A former co-worker of mine used to lock herself in her office for days until I was over the worst of it. Sorry Michelle.
What you can do: Say nothing! If you open your mouth, it will almost certainly bring forth a tidal wave of rage. If you must speak, these are the only acceptable phrases, Can I …give you a foot rub, bring you some wine, take care of the baby so you can nap?
3. Hunger: My belly is rumbling as I type this. I am a bottomless pit that is stuffed full of chocolate, frozen yogurt & any comfort foods that I can get my chocolate covered paws on. DO NOT point out how much I am eating.
What you can do: Go get me a bag of chips..no really, go get me one. I’m starving.
4. Bloating & weight gain: If you are not already cranky & emotional enough, try on a pair of jeans. What once was just a little muffin top has changed into more of a pound cake.
What you can do: Roll back the weight on the scale and tell me that you accidentally shrunk the laundry.
5. Fatigue: As the mother of a toddler, I am tired all the time to begin with. Add the crimson tide to the mix & I might as well be sleep walking. Yaaaaaawn!
What you can do: “Honey, let me get up with the baby, You go back to sleep.” Ahhhh, that’s nice, but I am still mad at you for absoluuuutely nothing.
6. Cramping: Here is my favorite part of it all. The mind numbing pain almost makes me forget about all the rest of it.
What you can do: Trade bodies with me for the day
7. The Gassy phase: There I said it..I fart a lot during my cycle. It is not pretty or sexy but it is true. I hold it in at work all day & once I finally get home, it sounds like test day at the Kazoo factory.
What you can do: Hide all the cans of beans, broccoli or other gas producing edibles. Do not laugh & ask me if I just farted? Do not start a “Mommy farted” chant with our daughter.
Follow these simple rules & we can all get out of the next few days unscathed.