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Humor

The Difference Between Dating and Married

206791_1026029744268_167_nI frequently write about my relationship with my husband. I like to joke at his expense often. (Sorry honey) The truth is I know that I am no picnic. I am moody, cranky and many times I do not give him enough credit for all that he does around the house and with our daughter. I say to myself “Well, he knew what he was getting into when he married me.” Did he really though? You think that you are the same person that you were before you got married, but how true is that really?

Let’s compare…

Appearance

Dating: Bought a new outfit, shaved my legs, did my nails, makeup and curled my hair before every date. I continued to primp until he rang the doorbell.

Married: Get home from work and throw my bra on the floor. Wash all the makeup off my face, throw my hair in a bun and change into something more comfortable. “Hey, how many days have I worn these sweats on the floor?” They smell clean. I think these have one more day left in them.

Thoughtfulness

Dating: “Honey, can I get you a beer? Uh oh! I don’t have the beer that you like. I better go to the store. Let me chill this beer mug before I leave.”

Married: “You are closer to the kitchen than I am. Get your own beer.”

Bathroom habits

Dating: Excused myself to use the bathroom because I had to fart. Ran the water, flushed the toilet and sprayed air fresher to cover up the sound or any lingering smell.

Married: “The dog did it”

Conversation

Dating: “Oh my god, you are so funny” (Giggling and flipping my hair.)

Married: “I’m sorry hon, did you say something?”

Interests

Dating: “Oh Yeah, I love football. The Pats are my favorite.”

Married: “The games on? Uuugggh! I will be in the bedroom watching “Once Upon A Time”

Seduction

Dating: Gave him an erotic massage while wearing sexy lingerie.

Married: Unbutton the top button of my flannel pajamas and whisper “The baby’s asleep.”

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7 Reasons Why Exercise Sucks

Exercisesucks.jpgHere is something that many of you might not know about me. I hate exercise. I don’t just dislike it. I have a genuine hatred for it, which is funny considering that I was a regional manager for a fitness chain for 10 years. I know that we need exercise. I know that it is good for us & all that other mumbo jumbo & I respect those of you that do it. My husband is a marathon runner. I think it is fantastic, but when he asks me to run with him I just chuckle & offer him a very dragged out “Noooooooooooooooo.”

My husband just purchased a new workout video, the T25 workout. He asked me if I would do it with him. He presented it as something we could all do together and somehow talked me into it. He must have offered me chocolates or something, either way I agreed as it is only 25 minutes long. This weekend we started it. Even our 3 year old daughter joined in.

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It was 25 minutes of sheer hell. Suddenly, I remembered why exercise & I have always had such a bad relationship. It is because it sucks

7 Reasons Why Exercise Sucks

1. It requires moving. I am perfectly content sitting on my ass. I am good at it. I am more of an artsy fartsy sort of girl. Give me some paints & construction paper and I am more than happy. Sitting burns calories too, you know.

2. I want to punch everyone in these workout videos in the throat. I know all these rock hard bodies & six packs are supposed be inspiring, but they make me want to start chucking donuts at the TV screen. Have you ever eaten a donut? Try one they are delicious. On top of it, why are they so happy? As they all have ear to ear grins on their faces, I have to keep wiping the moisture from my face, and by moisture I mean tears. Incidentally, the happiest person on the screen is usually the one doing the modified version for people like me.

3. Sweating is gross. Do you know what I hate almost as much as the act of exercise? I cannot stand being in wet, sweaty & smelly clothes. I sweat like a pig. If I could go to the gym naked, it would be done. Try getting out of those nasty clothes as they stick to your moist flesh. It is not easy. I have gotten stuck inside of a sweat soaked sports bra before. It was not fun.

4. There is just not enough time. I see people around me that have full time jobs, keep a clean house, raise their kids & go to the gym for 2 hours a day & I think “Huh?”. Can you run my life for me, please?

5. I hate sore muscles. If it is not bad enough that I just went through the torture of cardio or weight training on Monday, when Tuesday comes I have to endure the pain of the next day’s sore muscles. Forget about 6 pack abs, get me a 6 pack of Icy Hot and a glass of wine.

6. It’s embarrassing. Even when I did work out all the time, I felt inadequate. I always felt as if I was being looked at. In my head I thought “I look stupid doing this, don’t I?” “Am I doing this right?” “Do I have a wedgie in these yoga pants?”

7. It is just not fun. Working out is boring. I know some of you out there are like “I disagree.” That is because you are slightly crazy. All those exercise endorphins messed with your head. Music makes it somewhat bearable, but if my IPod goes dead, I pack my gym bag up & go home. Guess what! My Ipod has been dead for 3 years now.

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Why 40 Is Not The New 20

IMG_20150114_212921548_HDRSomething happened today. I went to the eye doctor. I have been having problems focusing on things directly in front of me lately, so I went to have some tests done. After a number of exams, the doctor informed me that I might want to start wearing reading glasses & that over the next year or two that I would probably need to wear them regularly. He went on to explain that this is common in women “my age”.

“My age”? Did I just hear him correctly? While it is no surprise that this mother hen is no longer a spring chicken, this still did give me a jolt of reality. It is true that I am getting older.

They say that 40 is the new 20, but I disagree & here is why.

At 20… I hoped & prayed not to get carded when I ordered a drink out. “Please, don’t ask for ID. Please don’t ask for ID.”
At 40…If I get asked for my license, I am so excited that I need to text everyone I ever met, update my Facebook status & Tweet about it after I finish doing a back flip.

At 20…I was called Miss
At 40..I am referred to as Ma’am like it is a dirty word.

At 20…My jeans were low rise & my breasts were up to my neck
At 40…My breasts are low rise & my jeans are up to my neck.

At 20…my nights out started at 10 o’clock.
At 40…my nights out end with me passed out on the couch by 10 o’clock with the Big Bang Theory playing in the background.

At 20…I slathered on a pound of make-up to try to cover a pin-head sized pimple & continued to try to block it with my hands all day.
At 40…I shamelessly display my crow’s feet, stretch marks, gray hairs & every other imperfection without blinking an eye.

At 20…I would drink all night & wake in the morning without a feeling hung-over.
At 40…I can wake up feeling hung-over when I haven’t had a drink in months.

At 20…My medicine cabinet held a few bottles of cheap nail polish & cosmetics.
At 40…It is filled with prescription medication & hemorrhoid cream.

At 20…A hot and sweaty night might mean that you had a good date.
At 40…It means your peri-menopausal.

At 20…You hope that you are never like your mother.
At 40…You realize you are your mother and proud of it.

7 Stages Of PMS – A Husband’s Helpful Guide

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I am having a bad week. I started a cool new job, I no longer have to work evenings, I have more time with my family. It doesn’t sound so bad does it, well it is. The monthly ritual of misery & mood swings has reared it’s ugly head. For the past two days my poor husband can do no right. Last night I was particularly ornery & told him that he needed to pen a book on what not to say when your wife is pre-menstrual. Since it is highly unlikely that he is going to compose this helpful bit of literature, I thought that I would help out instead.
If you are one of the fortunate men out there that is not married to a victim of PMS, read on anyways many of these stages are seen in pregnancy as well.

 

1. The emotional stage: Guys, we know that we are oversensitive & emotional during this time. It does not need to be pointed out to us. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I broke down in tears last night because my daughter wouldn’t eat her peirogis. Is this a bit of an over-reaction? The answer is no…just go with it.
What you can do: Be ready with a box of Kleenex and avoid Lifetime & the Hallmark channel.

 

2. Irritability: I am typically a lovely person, but for about 3-4 days out of the month I turn into a miserable flesh eating monster. A former co-worker of mine used to lock herself in her office for days until I was over the worst of it. Sorry Michelle.
What you can do: Say nothing! If you open your mouth, it will almost certainly bring forth a tidal wave of rage. If you must speak, these are the only acceptable phrases, Can I …give you a foot rub, bring you some wine, take care of the baby so you can nap?

 

3. Hunger: My belly is rumbling as I type this. I am a bottomless pit that is stuffed full of chocolate, frozen yogurt & any comfort foods that I can get my chocolate covered paws on. DO NOT point out how much I am eating.
What you can do: Go get me a bag of chips..no really, go get me one. I’m starving.

 

4. Bloating & weight gain: If you are not already cranky & emotional enough, try on a pair of jeans. What once was just a little muffin top has changed into more of a pound cake.
What you can do: Roll back the weight on the scale and tell me that you accidentally shrunk the laundry.

 

5. Fatigue: As the mother of a toddler, I am tired all the time to begin with. Add the crimson tide to the mix & I might as well be sleep walking. Yaaaaaawn!
What you can do: “Honey, let me get up with the baby, You go back to sleep.” Ahhhh, that’s nice, but I am still mad at you for absoluuuutely nothing.

 

6. Cramping: Here is my favorite part of it all. The mind numbing pain almost makes me forget about all the rest of it.
What you can do: Trade bodies with me for the day

 

7. The Gassy phase: There I said it..I fart a lot during my cycle. It is not pretty or sexy but it is true. I hold it in at work all day & once I finally get home, it sounds like test day at the Kazoo factory.
What you can do: Hide all the cans of beans, broccoli or other gas producing edibles. Do not laugh & ask me if I just farted? Do not start a “Mommy farted” chant with our daughter.

 

Follow these simple rules & we can all get out of the next few days unscathed.

 

Related Topics:

http://nodivingintheshallowend.wordpress.com/2014/02/25/emotional-rollercoasters/

10 Reasons That I Wish I Was A Toddler

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It was a bad night for mommy. The terrible twos have blown through our home like a tornado & have left exhaustion & frustration in its wake. Tonight was especially rough. My daughter had a meltdown that lasted from the moment I came home until I tucked her into her crib. Collapsing on the couch with a beer and a headache got me thinking. What is my little girl so distressed about? Sure she is contending with a lot of young emotions and her little brain is taking in a lot, but all in all, I have to say I think that she has it pretty good. I would not mind being in her shoes for a few days.

Here are 10 reasons that I wish I could be a toddler.

1.  I could wear footie pajamas every day. I used to joke with my husband all the time that I wish I could spend all day in footie pajamas like our daughter did. My hubby obliged & last mother’s day I ended up with a pair of these.

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2. Chubby belly & thighs are considered cute. If this were only true for me, I would be considered a goddess.

 

3. Running around naked is acceptable. I am sort of a nudist. If it was socially acceptable, I might never put clothes on.

 

4. Napping  I don’t understand why my daughter fights napping so much . It is wonderful. You don’t realize how much you love a good nap until you can’t take them when you want anymore.

 

5. You can get away with wearing anything. As adults we are always so self-conscious of our appearance & what other people think of it. I am guessing I could not get away with this mis-matched ensemble that daddy put her in one day.

 

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6. Everything you do is funny, smart & cute. I can’t remember the last time someone oohed & aaahed over me smelling my own feet or farting. It just doesn’t happen. 

 

7. If you pee or poop in your pants it is not embarrassing. Ok, ok, it is not that I do these things, but if I did it would be nice to know that someone would be ready with a pack of water wipes & some powder to wipe my bum down with.

 

8. When you are mad, you can throw a tantrum. As adults we often have to suppress these feelings which leave us stressed. How wonderful would it be to have a toddler-like tantrum & throw things & pound your fists on the floor? I would like to try this at work tomorrow & see what happens.

 

9. You can be a slob. How fun would it be to enjoy your food so whole heartedly? I would drop food all over myself & not bat an eyelash. When you make a mess, somewhere is always there to clean it up for you.

 

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10. The world is your playground. One thing that I find so wonderful about my daughter is that everything is so new & exciting to her. Things that we take for granted, fill her with such wide-eyed wonder. I would love to be able to see things again through a child’s eyes.

 

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Related topics:

A Newborn and a Toddler

How to plan a toddler birthday party with zero time and even less money.

http://fitfullfun.com/2014/01/29/snow-day-activities-for-a-toddler/

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/01/30/daily-prompt-age/