This Mother’s Fears

057Elizabeth Stone had it right when she said, “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” I felt this from the moment my daughter was born. I cradled my own heart in my arms, I watched it roll for the first time, sit up & crawl.

My fears began before she even left my womb. I was afraid of everything. I wouldn’t stand in front of the microwave. I gave up coloring my hair. I wouldn’t even look at a cold cut sandwich. When my daughter was born, it was the happiest day of my life, but I was scared and so unsure of myself. When I slept, if I slept it was with one hand on her chest. I often woke up in the middle of the night startled, thinking that I fell asleep while I was nursing and somehow lost her in the bed. It was a horrible feeling. I kept thinking as she got older and past a certain stage, I would relax a bit. I was wrong, with each new stage brought a fresh new set of fears.

With a house full of safety bumpers, safety stools, child locks & outlet covers, I thought I was prepared, but there is always something dangerous for them to get into or get hurt on. I think to myself, my mother-in-law is a pretty good seamstress, maybe she can sew me a cute dress made of bubble wrap, with a matching helmet of course. I hear stories of school shootings and I decide that I am home schooling. I hear about about abductions and I think is it ok to microchip my child? It is absolutely terrifying thinking that I will not be able to always protect my child.

I sometimes have crazy, completely irrational scenarios that play out in my head. We went on a cruise in January, I could not stop worrying that she was going to fall off the ship. I know this can not be a healthy way of thinking. This weekend we went to a child’s birthday party. I noticed that I was the only mother shadowing my child. The children laughed and ran and played freely. I felt very uneasy watching her walk up and down the stairs of their porch. There was cement at the bottom of the stairs. What if she fell? I watched the children chasing one another. “Be careful, you might run into each other.” I came to the realization that I was the only one doing this. I truly am the over-protective mother.

I know that someday I will have to let her go down the stairs by herself, take the training wheels off her bike and send her off to her first day of school.  She will get scratched knees and catch colds. She will get her feelings hurt and maybe have a heartbreak or two & I will feel her pain every step of the way. I pray to God everyday to keep my precious girl safe and to give me the strength to give her a little more freedom. Unless I can make a bubble wrap suit for two, I suppose I am going to carry these fears with me until the day that I die and then I will worry about her from above.

24 comments on “This Mother’s Fears

  1. I know exactly what you mean! I was never afraid for my own life but now with two toddlers it is an entirely different game!

  2. i can totally relate with these fears as i myself worry too much about my son’s safety. however, if there’s one thing i have learned from all those years of babysitting in kid’s church, it is that sometimes, we have to let them experience different things for them to learn and grow. we cannot always be there to cushion every fall or to, as you say, keep them bubble-wrapped (even if we desperately want to) because they also have to learn on their own sometimes. the fear and worry will never leave us (that i am starting to realize LOL) but i guess we have to learn to let go a little as well. 🙂

    1. I know that I do have to. I have been trying to get better. Some of my fears I know are totally irrational. I do know that she has to fall to learn how to pick herself back up again. My husband is better with this, but I will get there and learn to let go a bit more.

  3. I am very over protective myself. Ithe hurts me when she has her feelings hurt by someone. I am trying to get better with all this 🙂

  4. I’m almost the same, I guess it’s a part of being a mom to worry constantly an imagine the worst case scenarios.. I guess it’s the only way to prevent them , by anticipating an acting not to let anything bad happen .. But then again they need to experience danger and failure in order to deal with then on there own . It a difficult balance ..

  5. I so very much relate to this! I often find myself the only one “helicopter” parenting! I chalk mine up to the fact that it took forever to have our Baby E, though I know it’s more just my Type A self. I do have to say, though, that when you do let them go and roam (as I have learned to do with much inward struggle) when they fall/get into a tiff with another child/etc, other moms will look at you like an irresponsible parent, so there’s no winning on the moms front. Here’s to learning to let go a little more each day 🙂

  6. I totally relate. At night I think of what I would do if someone were to break in and snatch her. Crazy I know. I try not to helicopter but I am worst case scenario type of person 🙁

  7. This post reminds me of the day I found out I was having a girl. I cried to my black cat while we were having a pow-meow sitting in the hallway. I was more afraid that I’d ruin her than the world ruining her. I can “read” the love behind this post. Blessings~

  8. Being a parent is riddled with anxiety from the moment they are born. My kids are young adults now and there still isn’t a day that goes by that I still don’t worry about them sometimes with just cause and sometimes no cause at all. It is so hard to watch them make their own lessons. I guess you always want to protect them no matter what their age. A lovely post.

    1. Thank you. It makes me sad sometimes thinking of how protective my mother was even when I was older. I never got it and just thought she was being a nag. I never got to tell her, I understand now ma. I hope they understand that they are blessed with a mother that loves them.

    2. Pow-meow..that is funny. I am willing to bet your daughter isn’t ruined one bit. I was worried about having a daughter as well. I think that worry is there regardless of gender. That’s what happens when you love someone more than yourself.

  9. Pow-meow..that is funny. I am willing to bet your daughter isn’t ruined one bit. I was worried about having a daughter as well. I think that worry is there regardless of gender. That’s what happens when you love someone more than yourself.

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