A Mother’s Resume

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Yesterday I did a post about the irrational fears of mothers. A reader commented that these irrational thoughts are part of our job description. This made me chuckle. My response was that our job description is far too long, that sometimes I forget what is on it. It got me thinking. Being a parent is a difficult job. It is demanding, keeps long hours & you never get a day off. Our list of responsibilities is a lengthy one.

A Mother’s Resume

12/18/2014
The Pinterested Parent
https://www.facebook.com/thepinterestedparent
Thepinterestedparent.com

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OBJECTIVE:

To successfully raise our child to be a sweet, smart, well-mannered young lady with good manners, family values, respect for others and a strong sense of self without screwing it all up.

EXPERIENCE:

Mother to Mai (January 2012-present)

Child Care Manager 

  • Nursed for a year with no regard to sore breasts, bleeding nipples or several bouts of mastitis
  • Changed thousands of soiled diapers & cleaned poop out of clothing, hair and sheets on several occasions.
  • Endured sleepless nights comforting a crying baby, a cranky toddler, a sick kid & a scared child
  • Over-protector and dirty look wielder to playground bullies
  • Kissed and bandaged many boo boo & ouchies
  • Wiper of runny noses, poopy bottoms, dirty hands & tears
  • Personal chef to the most finicky of eaters
  • Washed, bathed, shampooed & brushed the teeth of a squirming child daily
  • Hairdresser & stylist specializing in pig tales & Elsa braids
  • Responsible for transport by either horsey ride, piggy back, carrying, stroller or car
  • Diffusing tantrums & meltdowns

Education Director

  • Teacher of colors, objects, animals, math, reading, sign language, problem solving and geography
  • Acting as a role model trying to accomplish all of the things in the above objective without passing on all of my own bad habits and short comings
  • Professor of arts & crafts with a deep focus on paper plate art, painting, Play-Doh sculptures & macaroni art
  • Assists in the progression of crawling, walking, talking, potty training & riding a bike
  • Responsible for discussions on God, love, sex, death and other various subjects pertaining to life

Purveyor of memories

  • Amateur photojournalist chronicling the life of my little girl from birth to present day
  • Collector of art projects & drawings
  • Archiver of cute, funny & beautiful moments that I will hold securely in my heart & head

Head of Entertainment

  • Skilled at Peekaboo, I got your nose & shadow puppets
  • Builder of sheet forts & puzzles
  • Lead singer of popular children’s songs & silly made up ones
  • Tea party guest and Play-Doh cake taste tester
  • Master story teller and book reader
  • Knock Knock joke aficionado

Housekeeper

  • Washer of dirty laundry (no sir, that is actually daddy)
  • Dishwasher
  • Sweeps up dried up Play-Doh, glitter, crumbs, chunks of crayon, etc…
  • Wipes up juice spills and potty training accidents
  • Picks up toys, and then picks them up again and then again and again
  • Instructs our little housekeeper in training how to be responsible for all of the above chores

SPECIAL SKILLS

  • Carrying a diaper bag, pocket book, juice boxes and stuffed animal while balancing a child on the hip
  • Giver & receiver of unconditional love
  • Demonstrating patience when my patience wears thin
  • Expert at hugs, kisses & cuddles
  • Mind reader during incomprehensible crying fits
  • References are available in crayon upon request.

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Irrational Mommy Thoughts

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It is often easy to feel that you are alone in your paranoia & fears when you are a mother. We worry about so many things. Are we spoiling are children too much? Are we disciplining them enough? Are we handling tantrums the right way? Are we feeding them the right foods? These are things that things that we constantly wrestle with, but then there are other more irrational thoughts that we contend with as well.

This weekend we had a play date with a friend of mine and her children. We were having a discussion about how our kids would fall asleep in the car while running errands. We were joking that they need to come up with a babysitting service that will come to your car so that your children can continue to sleep while you complete your errands. My friend told me that sometimes she will run in to the ATM while her children sleep because she can still see them in the car. She then went on to say that this even worried her. What if someone kidnapped her from the ATM with the children in the car & nobody knew that they were in there?

This made me come out of my seat. I have had many crazy thoughts like this since our daughter was born. How many times have I thought of scenarios just like this? In one, I have just finished fastening her in the car seat. I go to return the carriage and get hit by a car and can’t tell anyone that my daughter is in the car. In others, I am home with her alone and fall down the stairs or collapse from a heart attack or some other ailment. How will she take care of herself until daddy gets home? Will she be scared? It’s funny that nowhere in my morbid fantasies am I concerned that I just got plowed down by a car or broke my neck tumbling down the stairs.

Death used to scare me. It still does, but now for different reasons. I worry that I might not be there to watch my daughter grow up and how it might affect her. My mind is a dangerous place filled with far too many fears. I thought as she got older it would get easier, but it hasn’t. It has just opened up a new set of worries. I still check on her every night. I still look to see that she is breathing. I often felt as if I was turning into a crazy person for feeling this way. It was a relief to find out that I was not alone.

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Just Stay Awake Until We Get Home

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My darling girl,

During the week I live with a lot of mommy guilt. After coming home from a long day at work, I am drained. I have very little time or energy to spend with you. I do my best, but I know that often I fall short.

When the weekend comes it is our time. In an attempt to make up for the time that we lose during the week, I try to pack our days with fun activities and outings. I love our fun days together. I look forward to them all week, but after our fun is over there still is the ride home. I know that you are tired. I know that you probably want to sleep, but mommy has a favor to ask of you. Just stay awake until we get home.

I try all the tricks. I talk to you & sing songs. I am loud. I am obnoxious, even more so than usual. I try to start up a game of eye spy & point out every single thing that I see as if it is the most exciting thing that I have ever laid my eyes on. “Baby, did you see that garbage can? Wooooowwwww! That’s a nice one.” In desperation, I even break out the fruit snacks to keep you awake. Alas, eventually regardless of all my hard work, the thumb finds its way into your mouth, your eyes close and you drift off.

It’s not your fault really. I don’t think you understand. Nap time is essential to your mother’s sanity. When you nap, I nap too. I get chores done if I can muster up the energy. I catch up on all of the things that I put off during the week. It is not as if I don’t enjoy sitting in a parked car in our driveway while you nap. I keep a book in the glove box just for these occasions, but I haven’t taken a shower yet today & I would love to get just one in this weekend. Thanks baby! Love your mom

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Easy DIY Personalized Ornament

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This weekend was filled with Christmas parties & breakfasts with Santa. We were on the move all weekend long trying to make sure that the big guy knew that Mai really wanted that train set for Christmas.

The parties had a ton of great activities and projects for the kids to do and as we all know my daughter loves her projects. There was a cookie making station that Mai took full advantage of. They had assorted sugar & gingerbread cookies for decorating along with colored icing and assorted candies & sugars.

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There was also a watercolor station, a sticker station & an ornament making one. The crafts just kept coming. My artsy little girl was in her glory. She brought home several cookies, a few new crafts & a new dolly from Santa. The ornament making reminded me that I had bought a couple of cheap clear plastic Christmas balls at the beginning of the season. I had completely forgotten about them. We kept our craft momentum going when we got home with our quick & easy personalized ornament.

What you will need:

Clear plastic Christmas bulb ornament

A black sharpie

Kid’s paint (We use Crayola’s water based non-toxic paint)

Directions:

With a sharpie draw on the name of the person you are making the ornament for. We made two, one for Mai & one for her Nana.

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After you write in the name, draw random lines & closed shapes all over the whole rest of the ornament.

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Paint each shape in a different color. Mai chose to just mix her colors for her ornament for her Nana because “Nana likes a rainbow.”

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Let the paint dry & hang your ornaments on your tree & admire. I touched up the Sharpie lines on Mai’s Nana ornament after it dried.

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The 12 Days Of Christmas (The Toddler Edition)

Christmas.jpgOn the first day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the second day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the third day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the fourth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the fifth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the sixth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the seventh day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the eighth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Eight milks a spilling
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the ninth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Nine million questions
Eight milks a spilling
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the tenth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Ten excuses for not sleeping
Nine million questions
Eight milks a spilling
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Eleven boo boos bleeding
Ten excuses for not sleeping
Nine million questions
Eight milks a spilling
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diaper full of poop & pee.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my toddler gave to me…
Twelve “I’m not hungry”s
Eleven boo boos bleeding
Ten excuses for not sleeping
Nine million questions
Eight milks a spilling
Seven jokes on farting
Six tantrums while playing
Fiiiivvve hours of ‘Frozen’
Four fresh picked boogers
Three glitter pens
Two mismatched gloves &
A diiiiiiaaaaaaper full of poop & pee.

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